I remember the pain but I forgot how bad it feels.
This summer I have been on a transformational journey of body, mind and soul. At times on this blog I write about my health and its condition. I do my best to stay away from words (thoughts) like "disease", "illness" and other depressing verbiage. Why? We all suffer in some way. No need to label mine.
Two months ago I set out to rehab myself from this past winter of sickness and also set into motion training for this upcoming winter season. For reasons unbeknownst to me winter is hard on me, body, mind and soul...hard.
For 60 days I have been a soldier to my mission at hand. I started slowly with push-ups and pull-ups in my backyard, doing as many as I could, which wasn't much. Daily I built my strength. Walking at first around the block, progressing to walking 5 miles a day. Three weeks ago I started trail running, which I love. Back in March of this year I was walking with a cane and today I am trail running. I feel like Lance Armstrong, minus the cancer and the fame. No ultra marathon in my future as of yet, but who knows? Ego is alive and getting stronger, push-ups do a body good.
I fuel myself with a library of endurance books, reading everything that I could get my hands on. I motivated myself with thoughts of my wife and daughter while chanting the mantra “heart & strength” over and over in my head. I’ve even hired a business coach to help guide me along this journey. We talk about the “now” the “what might be” and the dreaded “yes/but” moments we all face in life. It's a cocktail of therapy and business advice from a guy who looks like George Carlin and talks like the Dalai Lama. He thinks I should write a book.
I joined a Zendo to develop my meditation practice. I see it as training for what might never come, but I want the foundation to be laid if needed.
Two days ago I had a set back. I awoke to pain and a feeling deep inside of me that was not good. A shakiness in the core of my body has returned. I call this feeling “zombie fog syndrome”. 60 days of work gone, for not. When zombie mode strikes, life mentally becomes hard. I question every move that I made over the past couple of days, I question every piece of food that I consumed, I even question the people that I came into contact with, constantly searching for patterns that might lead to answers. No answers arise, no patters form.
Sunday morning I sat through an hour and a half of zazen in this zombie fog of pain and self doubt. The only reason I went was a nagging feeling I had all throughout the night of “do not miss it". I awoke early, so I went.
This meditation was not my best, my mind ran wild with thoughts and my body surged with pain. Not once did I feel relief while on the mat. The bell rings three times and the zazen period is over. Thank God I say to myself as I try to stand and not look as if I was going to fall over.
After the session was over and I walked to my car I noticed a sensation flowing through my body. This is good. I feel ok. Pain is subsiding.
Motion, 60 days of motion in body, mind and soul. This is my answer! I trained myself for motion. Health is out of my control at this time. Motion is not. I can move forward, if the body fails I can move the mind , if the mind fails I can move the spirit. As long as I have breath I have motion. I am in control, this is what I learned. This is what I wish to share with you.
My life is guided by the simple words of “create, connect & grow”. I am learning that it is all about the act of motion. Motion is the fuel for my philosophy.
Do something good, repeat it, then share it....that is motion....